Thoughts,Songs,Writings,Rants,Encouragements, and Life

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

-Inescapable you-

The box of insanity lies open on the floor. It has been opened again, brought to life once more. It captures me and I am caught inside it contents. It used to be on a shelf in the closet, but now it is in my hands with all its contents strewn around the room. It holds pieces of emotions, memories, dreams, bluntness, confusion, indecisiveness, honesty, passion, beauty, charm, Romanticism, laughs, and possibly even love. (Although I don’t know what that is)
See that box was placed in the closet long ago. It probably should have been taken to Goodwill multiple times. And yet it remains in the closet. The box collects dust and is forgotten. It gets pulled out very little these days. Every time that the box gets opened old feelings rush back to us and we have to catch our breath. We have to come to our senses. We seem to get attached to what is inside the box, never coming to grips with the reality of how much of us it holds inside.
The box gets closed and reopened multiple times over the course of many years. The contents catch us off guard and bring old feelings and emotions back to life. I like to think of it as a White Elephant gift that keeps getting passed around by the same group of friends for years and years. The wrapping looks nice and intriguing and yet the contents are still the same, someone always goes home with a candle that looks like something from the 70’s.
But there is another side to the box. The box is always there. Some way, some how it is always around in the back of your mind or showing up at Christmas parties in White Elephant form. The box gets rewrapped and opened many times. The contents stay the same. The intrigue never wears off. We can’t escape this box. Whether we forget it for the moment or not, it is still tucked away in the old memories file in our brains. This box holds pieces of our lives that we can’t live with or without. It has a piece of us and won’t let go. But there are other boxes as well. Some of us keep looking for something more, even when the thing we are looking for is right in front of us. Just as intriguing but not as compatible or suitable as this box. (You could have settled for the singing fish, but no, you wanted that 70’s candle, even though you don’t dare to light it)
This thought if you haven’t guessed is about a girl. There is always that certain person who is on the front or back of your mind. And yet we keep searching for something more. We want to be sure that there really isn’t someone else out there for us. So we open that White Elephant gift, see the candle and set it on the dresser, but we don’t light it for fear of what might happen.
We tend to disbelieve the thought of there being one person for us out there. And yet in the back of our minds, there sits that one person, waiting. (At least for me) In my life this person entered into my little Ben World when I was 9 days old. Yeah that’s right, she was born 9 days after me. We grew up together. I stole a kiss when I was three from her. I chose to open a box and put things inside it consuming her. She was one of the most passionate, beautiful, confusing, and indecisive people I have ever known. The memories would be fun. And the journey would be semi-long, for I would open and close that box for 22 years. And yet over those years I never lit that candle that I fought each year for at the White Elephant party. Lighting the candle might cause pain or be dangerous. Until today that is. The candle has been burned, the wax has dripped down the sides, the wick is black and charred, and the disco design now looks like a bad imitation of a tie die shirt. The candle is no longer of any use. What we have feared has come true.
There is that person who is inescapable in our lives. Always there in your life, and this could possibly be the moment where you connect. I have liked this person for quite some time. She was the person in the back of my mind when I was searching for other packages to open up. And even though I sat like a kid on Christmas morning staring at all the packages wondering which one is his to open. I wouldn’t let myself get to close to anyone else, for the reason of the thought of her popping into my mind. Over the years we grew apart. We grew up. I am terrible at keeping in contact with people. So it was like every six months that I would call or write, and sometimes we would hang out as well. I always walked away from those moments breathless and confused. I thought I could date her, but I wanted to be sure. Fun fact of life, you are never fully sure!!
My mom says this though, when you like someone and they like you back, there is a small window of time to make the whole thing work. This February I decided I wanted to go for it. Decided to pursue this person through courtship, I decided to light the candle. The assault of feelings and emotions that would follow would lead to my doom.
To be completely honest there were some issues from the beginning of the whole deal, but two weeks later I was given up for someone else. I was left confused. And yet I stood by her like a friend and helped her out with life and just sat and listened. The mixed signals she sent confused me and misled me as well. All I wanted was her to make up her mind. And she did make up her mind. She went back to the other guy.
You see I had missed the open door for the relationship to begin. The whole thing was done before it began. There were things that were not right from the beginning though, we could have come to the conclusion faster, but there was the box and its contents in the picture.
There is something to say about the inescapable person. You may not be able to escape them, but they can easily escape you. My friends, I have finally been escaped from. The thought was humbling and the words said were cutting. (Why do you think that after nearly a year of not seeing me that you can pop back into my life and explode?) I don’t know why I tried to waltz back into her life; I thought I had figured out what I wanted, and was going to go for it. Or perhaps I finally got the guts to actually go for it and light the stupid candle. But she has escaped me. I can be a friend through one confusing time, but the second time is where I draw the line. Oh sure I will still be around. Like the John Mayor song “I am the man on the side, hoping you’ll make up your mind.” I told myself for a while that I could wait, that I could listen. That I could place everything into a box on a shelf and forget about it, that a relationship could really be a friendship. I always say a friendship is way better than a relationship. I just thought I had found the relationship that would lead to the one. So in middle school and high school I would have cried and been depressed. Tried to write “love” songs, write letters, send thousands of emails apologizing, singing Bryan White songs (not supposed to love you anymore or someone else’s star) at the top of my lungs. But I have grown up. I need to apologize for nothing. I was honest with her and myself. I don’t sing songs, write letters, and such. I write one sentence. “So here I am. I am done. I give up. I am out!!”
I will walk away from the most intriguing and nourishing box I have found here on earth. And I will waltz back to the arms of God. He has proven that he knows what’s best. He has shown me that he has plans that are bigger than me and my emotions. He is my foundation, not a women, or stupid emotion. The box no longer has any hold on me. It may have given me a bit of life, but I know who gives true life. The box could go back into the closet to be opened some other day, but no! The box is packed, wrapped, and taped shut…ready for the Good Will people to open it and see what is inside that could be of some worth to the rest of the world.
I have chosen to go into as little details as possible so as if not to hurt my friend, but I have been completely honest in my thoughts. Here is a song that really puts the situation into perspective. Take it for what its worth, do not read between the lines. Welcome to my life.

Almost made you love me Almost made you cry Almost made you happy, baby Didn't I, didn't I You almost had me thinkin' You were turned around Everybody knows Almost doesn't count
Almost heard you saying You were finally free What was always missing for you, baby You'd found it in me But you can't get to heaven Half off the ground Everybody knows Almost doesn't count
I can't keep lovin' you One foot outside the door I hear a funny hesitation Of a heart that's never really sure Can't keep on tryin' If you're looking for more Than all that I could give you Than what you came here for
Gotta find somebody Not afraid to let go Want a no-doubt be-there kind of girl You came real close But every time you built me up You only let me down And everybody knows Almost doesn't count
I can't keep lovin' you One foot outside the door I hear a funny hesitation Of a heart that's never really sure Can't keep on tryin' If you're looking for more Than all that I could give you Than what you came here for
Maybe you'll be sorry Maybe you'll be cold Maybe you'll come runnin' back From the cruel, cruel world Almost convince me You're gonna stick around But everybody knows Almost doesn't count
Maybe I'll be here Maybe I'll see ya 'round That's the way it goes Almost doesn't count.

Natalie-by Florez
Verse Natalie, are you mad at me? Why don’t you ever return my calls? Did you lose my number or your mind? It makes me wonder. Natalie, it’s so sad to me: we could have been great together. But don’t tell me that it’s you not me cause that’s the worst line ever.

Prechorus I wanted you so badly; my love you spit it at me. Blonde hair, blue eyes and the song you sang: it took my breath away.

Chorus Na-na-na-na-na-na, You’ll never know this song’s about you. Na-na-na-na-na-na, I’m even better off without you. All you’ll ever be to me is just a memory, Natalie.

Verse Natalie, it was maddening the way you led me on and on. Even when you were here you were already gone. Natalie, it’s a tragedy the way you left me in the dark. You left the game before you even let it start.

Prechorus Chorus

Prechorus Chorus
The adventure continues


Blogger Babal Gadar said...

"Relationships come and go, but Friends will last a lifetime. If you love someone so much, but you can't have them, you must learn to let them go and if they come back to you, then you know that it was truly meant to be."

11:39 PM

Blogger Babal Gadar said...

Hi Dude!

So Sunday evening program is fixed. Around 7:00pm someone will pick u up from Kadwells.

See Ya'

11:20 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You really share deep. Thank you You inspired me, to go out and enjoy life, not just sit by and wait, but to search for the doors god has opened in our life's

3:00 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was once a poet, then I came to this land where we have met, and have not really written anything. You frustrate me, annoy me, but with this you have inspired me - Few people can do that! Thank you.

You would be surprised at how many boxes I have given to "Goodwill". Once I stopped feeling anything - don't go there, re discovering your emotions isn't easy!!


9:46 AM


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