Thoughts,Songs,Writings,Rants,Encouragements, and Life

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Beach fascination

On mothers day...after the ritual dinner at the Speghetti Factory...My sister, Brother-in-law to be, Lady friend, and I went to the beach spur of the moment. We left at about 8 and got to the beach at 9ish.

There is something about the ride to the beach that pulls me in and takes not only my breath but my wonder as well. Hugging curves as the car pointedly makes split decisions on how and when to turn. Embracing trees right and left. Noticing certain things that I havent noticed before and I have gone to the beach a lot. Thanking God for a beautiful day. Wondering what the sunset will hold in store...and if we will get to see it on beach front property or somewhere between the trees and coast line.

I enjoy the beach. And at the same time, I wouldn't want to the explore it alone. I have much respect for the most untamable thing on this planet. I have awe for what the horizon brings and what those crashing waves mean. I am afraid of the depths of the ocean, but the reason is because it is so unpredictable.

This evenings trip would not be too unpredictable. In fact, it would be one of the better moments I have had in worship in a long time.

The night was clear. Stars were blanketing the sky and illuminating the shoreline perfectly. The moon was a understandable size. The waves were crashing. The air was brisk and cool. Thermal underwear long sleeve would be fine.

The four of us ventured out across the cool sand. No one going anywhere in particular. Just wandering and being. And then we saw it. We ran to it. We hoped we could salvage it.

So far upon our journey there were freckles of fires scattered across the entrance to the open waves.

We had just found a flame that had recently been covered with sand, but some of the hot coles were still burning. We huffed and puffed. Found twigs. Threw in a few old reciepts.Found copius amounts of kindling. The girls discovered and recovered a few hefty logs to stoke the flames. We blew...we breathed...we inhaled smoke...we burned our eyes...we burned our hands...we re-created fire. Fire!!!

You wouldn't think that four people huddled around a small fire would be beautiful. But to me it was. To us we were in our own little world and even more so individual worlds. We gazed at God's creation as if we had never seen the burning specks that lit the night sky before. We breathed in the cool air as if it were more refreshing than it really was.

As we sat there talking. Being. Listening. Thinking. Playing old games such as I never. I found myself thinking of about a fire that started years ago. And how only weeks before, I had been working at rekindling that fire and giving it life again.

I was in eigth grade, she was in seventh. I didn't know her or even notice her until she was pointed out to me by my middle school director. I was captivated. I was stung. I was feeling weird. I was speechless.

I remember her grey sweatshirt that she was wearing. Her brown hair fairly long. Her fragile hands. Her smile that could disarm and entire task force. HER.

It took me a month before I asked her out. I was young and stupid. I was crazy. She was crazy enough to say yes. We were funny.

Nine months later I got disctracted and ended it.

I never forgave myself. I could never really talk to her. I was afraid. But the crazy thing was I noticed her. I knew her moves. I knew what she was doing and who she was dating. I recorded every memory. I can recall most even today. I was jealous and I was full of loss. But I was a boy and chased other people. But a certain song would come on the radio and I was back, she was back. I would get tingles. Still do get tingles. I actually really don't know if I like the song anymore. I might have ruined it. Not that I can ruin a song when I didn't compose it.


I began trying to make contact again. About 6 years later. I began to check up on her more often. I began to care more. But I still felt sorry for leaving her way back then.

Then I left for India. There were other crushes and so forth. There were close calls. There was life.

But I knew I would pursue that flame again when I came home. I knew I would try to figure things out. I knew I had questions. I knew.

And about a month ago today...her and I drove to the beach in the middle of the night. Frosty's in hand. Talking.

I had to apologize. She forgave me...before I even finished. I finished though. I wasn't sure what to say. I never planned anything. I hand't planned on having the talk this soon. I thought I would ask her to dinner and a movie...but the opportunity never came. So here we were racing to the beach in the middle of the night. We re-stoked the fire that night. We decided to say yes to a journey...although we don't know where it will lead. We are excited. We are scared. WE ARE.

Sitting next to her on mothers day. Moon in sky. Fire in sight. Dreams of what may come. Holding her hand. Wondering. I realized that the fire the four of us had just brought back to life. Was not much different than the one that Her and I had just started again after seven years.

I have a fascination with the beach. Fascination with stars. Fascination with And a fascination with HER.


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