Thoughts,Songs,Writings,Rants,Encouragements, and Life

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Do I Dare to overcome the Fear?

"Do I dare believe and let love lead my life
Could I not believe and leave that love behind?

I don't have all the answers
I can't explain it all
I'm not sure where i'm going
But I thought I heard you call"

-David Wilcox-Do I dare-

I recently had a conversation with a sister of an old-good friend of mine. (see Inescapable you to find out who) And we were talking about people that we seemed to like (This word does not give the feeling justice, but it understandable by all human kind, therefore I have chosen to use it. I was telling her about a girl I have grown to enjoy being around and hang out with. And she was telling me about this friend of hers that she really has emotions and feelings and an attraction to. (Now I shall not use names...for the sake of keeping this private.) She is so hopelessly in love with this young man that she is in fear of telling him where she is at in her observation of him and her. And I like the good listener and advisor begin to vomit out the biggest cliches and bold moves that I could "hurl" at her. (all the while in my own life I am in fear of what I was telling this young women to do.)

First of all...ladies...we men like it when you give us really helps us...but it might confuse us to, but signs give us confidence. Now whether that confidence leads us to act out on our emotions and fall flat on our faces or into your arms...that is something different. I was sharing with this friend to give the guy a hint or sign. She could zip off so many in our conversation to me, but she didn't believe any of them to be appropriate for him to catch the hint. So I ended with telling her to email him and saying with "hints" where she stood and felt about him.

Honestly I am not even capable of doing this in my own life. I am in constant fear of rejection or losing a friend. As I have already been discarded once this year...I don't know if I am capable of getting up off the floor to take another stab at this most confusing and complicated Girl race. I have been rejected many times in life...many times I have blown it off...or learned much about myself and really liked the feeling of getting whatever it is off of my chest. Its honestly like the first time you go cliff jumping into the water. You are scared to death...your stomach trembles and quivers. Your heart beats faster than a humming birds wings can fly. Your mind spins circles faster than a Tornado...and all the while you are wondering if you will live through the experience or get smashed on the hidden rocks below. But, you are capable of jumping and some do, but most don't. The ones who do fail at times...but most of the time come out of it with an amazing and lfie changing experience. This is the same thing with me and women. I am cautious and very reserved when it comes to girls. I will wait and wait and wait...and in the time that I have waited I realize that I have missed my chance to really live.

I do not want to miss my chance this time...But there are so many what ifs and fears and the possiblity of rejection and a new one for ye all...Culture to deal with. For the past couple of months I have wrestled with this. Songs have been composed. Thoughts have been filed and put in place and then re-arranged and re-filed. MY heart has flitted and flown to new heights. The joy I have in Christ has been greater than I have ever known before. The company of this person takes my breath and my Brain away. All I see are blue eyes and then I begin thinking...and proposing things in my head...and dreaming...and stammering...and fearing...adn then silently walking away from her. Only to be able to get the guts to say something Cute in a Text message. Why am I like this? Why am I such a hopeless romantic? Why? Why? Why?

Why, can I not just say what I want to say? Perhaps its because she will leave soon...or I dont know how she feels or where she is at. Or perhaps my future is to unknown and isnt clear enough to be told. Or perhaps its the culture...because I know I would have asked her for a milkshake and a concert or high school play in the states. I know I would have made mix tapes. I would have written many songs. stayed up late thinking about her...but here...It hasnt happened. I have been fighting it. I have been supressing it. I have been ignoring it. I have been avoiding it. But my heart needs to know...I need to know...I need to just step up and take a swing at it. But what if I whiff and the crowd boos? (was it ever really for the crowd?) Will it work out? Can it work out? Could it work out? Distance is a great divider. And the unknown of the future is a major source of conquering in my life. Here I have told myself it cant happen. It wont happen. But I know even in the states...I would drive a thousand miles just to see her smile and hear her voice and drink one cup of coffee with her...then drive home.

So people...this is where I am at...I have one month left to see what happens. But I dont think I will have to wait. I dont think I can. I cannot stay silent any longer. I have to say something...but what? Perhaps I should quit writing this and go figure out what to say....

(By the way...the If I and Would You's hers. Written for her. But don't tell anyone...HeHe)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, you blow me away with your words sometimes!!


1:26 AM

Blogger Benjamin said...

This was a weak moment for words. I just had to get it out. I was tired of holding it in...and not speaking about it.

1:39 AM


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