Thoughts,Songs,Writings,Rants,Encouragements, and Life

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Wanna hang out...With Me???

A few weeks ago a friend shared a few of his concerns with the people/cliques I hang out with on a regular basis. When the word clique came into play. I quickly defended my "core" friend group. I thought I had given a good answer to his question. I thought had made sense.

I thought I had a "core" group of friends.

Last night I truly realized how wrong I was. For 10-15 years now, I have engaged and clung with and to a certain friend base. For years now I have been begging to be held accountable by my friends. For years I have wished for more than the token "Halo 2" night.

Something snapped in me. A red button was pushed and I can't turn it off. I was genuinly upset when no one. Not one. From my friends showed up for the Good Friday service. For that matter...the fact that no one from my age group showed up, accept a few people involved in the actual service and a handfull of others. Was this my ego wishing they had come to hear my monlologue. Sadly, no! It was my heart breaking for being attracted for so lng now to people who "DO" God and don't "KNOW" God. Am I being a critical, judgemental, and even hypocritical here? YES! And I will suffer consequences for it.

Perhapsit was a year spent in India, with people and friends who spend most moments of the day reflecting on God or seeking Him. Perhaps it was the accountability. The conversations, in the day and night. The conversations of Biblical and eternal relavence. Perhaps it was the love shown to each other.

I realize that I am not perfect. I am WRONG...A lot! (yes, I can admit it) I sin...a lot! I fail. I hurt people. I discard people as if they were dirty laundry. I show more vengance than love. I argue. I'm ignorant. I stand between the cross and the soul far too often.

I want to change.

One of the things I have struggled with over the past few years, is fitting in. I recently took a personality test that revealed I do NOT think like a typical westerner. My soul and passion bleed and drip non-western lifestyle and values. I do not fit into the typical America Church right now. And recently I was told I fit into the Gen X category. "stick it to the man." Whatever that means.

Heres the point. I don't want to be in a clique. I want family (not just blood related.) time. I want to meet new people. I want to dig deeper. Since I have been home for these past few months a couple things have struck me. The first is that my "core" friends are growing in maturity and spirual aspects of life. I praise God for this. Second I have found we as a "core" have drifted and continue drifting apart from each other. Think values, perspective, interests, beliefs, and lifestyle.

After realizing these things I wan't to begin to make an effort to branch out. This is not cutting off. It's a growing time. Does this mean these friends go bye-bye? No, but the time spent gets minimized. does this make it an US and THEM situation? No, they are more than welcome to join in this adventure with me. But it is time for a change. I know this because of the conversations we have been having. The books we are reading. Games or video games we are playing. Movies and music we are loving. They are all different. They butt heads. They don't exactly mesh. I don't mesh.

And after countless nights feeling as if I have wasted a few more hours of my life. A few more angry words. Walking away frustrated and angry. Feeling no love. And as if this thing we are doing is no longer healthy at all. Was it ever healthy??? I am done for a while.

Do I blame them for the un-meshyness? By all!!! There is no blame, but pursuit of the better life and walk. Embrace of meeting more people. Willingness to be used. Openess to love more. And passion to dance a little closer to Christ. I am no longer in sixth grade. The God I serve and know is touchable and is a great communicator. MY arms don't have to be stretched so for, in fear of actually touching Him. They can be wrapped around Him in an intimate embrace.

So my friends. This is not farewell. This actually all of you other friends out there.

Wanna hang out...with me?

Beer, Coffee, Movies, Concerts, Settlers, Frisbee Golf, Hot tub Beach, Board Games, Beaches, Mountains, Road Trips, Basketball....????


Blogger Troy said...

Sorry didn't do this earlier, but let's talk. I'll call you this week, eh?

8:53 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ben, I admire your desire to grow and be stretched in new ways. In my opinion this will be a great adventure you are going on. I say that because every time I get the guts to go out of my comfort zone and meet new people at Village or elsewhere God always seems to teach me...and I always meet great people (well most of the time). If nothing else I'm always hit with the lesson of judging a book by it's cover. You know I'm more than willing to gospel/culture/ about life...whatever.

6:45 PM

Anonymous Cristina said...

I admire your strength and wisdom in admiting these things, and how willing you are to begin something new.
I can say from personal experience this is something I have and still struggle with at Village. From high school on Village has always had a very strong "cliqish" feeling and there came a point I no longer felt I fit in.
However instead of trying a new crowd, or looking for God's guidence I all but left the church. (Something I regret deeply when I think about all I've missed in my relationship with Him.)
Its hard to put yourself outside what your used to - its wierd, and akward. But let me say its so worth it! You meet some amazing people, you meet some not amazing people but you will grow. Your relationship with God strengthens - its worth he akwardness.
Enough of my ramble. I'm sorry I haven't pushed myself to talk more with you - I enjoyed so much our emails while you were gone and those should only continue now in person. Next time I'm up in Portland I'll give you a call. (I assume I can call your parents number?) Maybe we can take a trip to the beach - I haven't been out there in a long time.
We'll talk soon!

8:57 PM


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