Thoughts,Songs,Writings,Rants,Encouragements, and Life

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

-Break in the cup-

An excerpt from-Break in the cup-
David Wilcox-Big Horizon

I guess you cannot make me happy
That's a money back guarantee.
But you can pour yourself out 'til you're empty
Trying to be just who I'd want you to be.
You cannot make me happy
It's just the law of gravity
And that break in the cup that holds love,
inside of me

We cannot trade empty for empty
We must go to the waterfall
For there's a break in the cup that holds love,
A break in the cup that holds love.
Inside us all, inside us all

Here is the deal folks...

Today I jumped off a waterfall...I faced my fears. I faced a culture and a world of the unknown. Now some of you are getting quite sick with me and my romanticism. Some of you do not believe that one should be this open with his own emotions and thoughts. But I do not mind sharing my experiences and things learned from them...

Back to the waterfall. I jumped. And like I feared...I landed!! Yep, I landed...but folks, in the previous post I forgot to mention that there is a third thing that can happen when we cliff jump. A third thing that could quite possibly be more amazing and beautiful than the relationship and definitely better than being skewered by the hidden rocks. I found that there is a certain coolness and new found freedom in jumping. I found myself jumping into a new stage of a friendship today.

Crazy huh? No, that should not say relationship, it reads right with Friendship. And this friendship is something that has not happened before. By all of the girls (there were many) that rejected me...and the many times I picked my self up...dusted myself off and began praying, seeking, and looking again. I found a True Friend today. Some of you think this is nothing new. You know know how I think...feel and react to things that come my way. The friendship got better once I opened myself up for pain and rejection. I can honestly say that now that everything is out in the open and out of the way. (Thanks David Wilcox for a great song to help me see I understand it) I now know that everything is better. We have nothing to hide. The understanding is there...there is truth there...nothing to hide, nothing to fake, and nothing to regret. I am so freakin' excited right now!!!! REALLY this is not male ego speaking...I am FREE. I set myself up for failure from the beginning...and found myself refreshed and on a level I have never been on before, with a friend who is a girl.

Now let's talk about the song above. I have always been attracted to this song. This song is depressing, but also reveals so much about the human condition and his relationship with man and his Father in heaven. If you get a can get the whole song off of David Wilcox’s site. (I recommend you read it, but I did not believe it wholly applied to this situation. although it might, but then again no.)

WE as humans search this world so long for love and longing and desire and fulfillment and contentment. And for me, I am at the point in my life where I want a Wife...and hopefully soon. I am tired of living alone and well... (we really don’t need to go into this. it will waste space and you will see me way too vulnerable) I realize though, that I often forget the Love that I have in Christ and the Love that He has prepared for me that will one day blow me away...and actually feel the need to give everything She has to me and I hope to do for Her as well.

The song above proves that we as humans cannot fill the empty inside...Crystal may have been able to do that...but for how long? A woman can only be so much for a man...God has to be there too. And that is why, right now I thank God for Crystal and who she is...and what she means to me. She is an outstanding friend, so much so that I fell for her...but this was not to be...and it can and could not fill that void...The waterfall of Christ is the only thing that can fill the break in my cup (soul) He is the only thing that I can run to who is always constant and ready to flow and run through my life. So today I found that again...the intimacy I long for is still from Christ...

...But a Wife would be appreciated too Lord....


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You so funny, you make me laugh - especially with that last line, 'cos that's echoed in me too, except of course- different Gender!

Thanks for sharing & opening your heart!

8:49 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm glad I read your blog. really. I can honestly say that no one has ever written anything so beautiful about me before. and I'm speechless . . . and grateful. So write on, Oh poet warrior. Someday your girl won't be able to stay on her feet. . . and all at once she'll be several stories high. :) I am once again, honored to be your friend.

3:23 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Totally agree with CT. I'm just your friend & I'm floating high. Your girl is going to adore you. A.D.O.R.E! You are going be one LUCKY guy!!


5:34 AM

Blogger Benjamin said...

I will be one lucky guy? Or I already am a lucky guy to know the two of you???

6:32 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're cursed, son. Your heart leaks... and when it does, beautiful, honest things come out. I'm sure at times it hurts to bleed. But in the process we get blessed.

Hang in there.

Love ya,


10:22 PM

Blogger Billykins said...

You all don't know me. Ben, you do. This is a friend of old who knows Ben's story....more so than most. And you just have to trust me when I say that my words on the following issue carry A LOT of weight! That is, Ben Christensen is absolutely solid Gold! His heart is genuine and open for all to see...let me tell you why this often alarming trait is actually very much in line with everything that it means to call oneself a Christian...

Vulnerability toward others is by nature a release of control over ones self to others. This is often misunderstood in a world which is so concerned about keeping everything in control; within reach. But let me tell you straight up: our world needs more Ben's. It needs more people who are honest with the fact that they DON'T have it all together and that life actually doesn't just fit into the tidy little boxes that we so often present to those around us. In light of the grace of Christ, this oppenness with our broken state would really get us off to a great start when it comes to what it truly means to carry each others burdons; to walk together as the Body of Christ; to be The Church (cappital C). It's hard to do that when we don't take the risk of extending ourselves to each other but rather keep everything in our lives just close enough and everyone else just far enough away that when push comes to shove we can quickly retreat and protect ourselves from all possible pain. This defensiveness is routed in fear.

You see, when we are vulnerable with each other we open the door wide open for people to reject us. This is very scary because it can quickly take a toll on any preceived idea of "self worth". And boy don't we all know, without a feeling of self worth we may as well be dead because we will feel that everything we try to contribute in this world is useless anyway. But that's just it isn't it. We really do have NOTHING of worth apart from Christ presence in our lives. Do we really live this way? Why not just open up and realize that we all have broken, sinful, dammaged, and hurt hearts in need of grace? Just because we have Christ doesn't mean we are magically fixed and we can continue to keep our souls secluded inside the walls of comfortable distance. No! By the very nature of who Jesus was we must constantly allow ourselves to be vulnerable and open with each other about our lives. If we can do this we will quickly realize that it is the God we share which is the only source of worth and value any of us have in our lives anyway. Competition between ourselves and fear of rejection will fade away and be replaced by the sweet aroma of selfless, othercentered, agape Love which comes only from the God we share. This love will utterly captivate anyone who is even remotely close to it. God's face and not ours will be shown to a world which is just as broken and in need of grace as each of us....daily

So yeah, Ben is an encouragement to me. Ben makes me want to be real...even when I may think what I have inside me is only going to irritate people. It is my hope that in being real, in being vulnerable and open to my brothers and sisters in Christ, that there will only be grace and patience toward me. That is, the call for the Church is to look past the depravity and shortcommings of one anothers hearts and to see the goodnes of the God which created those hearts. Hearts which were created in his image. Hearts that are by their very nature Good. Hearts which He calls His home.

It is at this point that we can collectively come back together to look at our depravity and shortcommings square in the face and say that we want more! We want Christ Crucified. We want grace to be manifested in a world that is fallen; in hearts which are lost. We don't want to be defined any longer by our independant goodness because we now realize that we in fact have none. Rather it is the God we serve who is the source of all our goodness and worth.

So let's be open with each other. I guarantee you it will get really messy. There will be pain, there will be tears, there will be emotional, psychological, and spiritual baggage to overcome. But if we can do it together, that is, if we can humbly approach each others hearts with gentle hands, then behind it all there will be enough grace and mercy and acceptance and Love to cover any amount of pain a thousand times over; such is the nature of the God we serve! We will be free to live and breathe and move as one body, suffering, celebrating, and worshiping together. And at our head will be Christ, the lamb of God.

So thank you Ben. Thank you for the picture of vulnerability you have painted for all of us to see. A picture which, as imperfect as it may be, is to me a step in the right direction towards figuring out what it means to be a member of something bigger than be members of the Kingdom of heaven here on earth.
I love you brother!

12:51 AM


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