Thoughts,Songs,Writings,Rants,Encouragements, and Life

Monday, November 28, 2005

10,000 rice lunches

This past friday night was an all nighter for me and about thirty other people on the OM campus. We were making and creating 10,000 lunches for a rally held here in Hyderabad. From 8 Pm until 11:30 am the next day people were cooking and bagging Rice. I was only part of this experience for about 7 hours. But it was so much fun. We played dance music as loud as it would go. There were tons of laughs. My pants are now stained yellow from the rice. And I learned about 100 new dance grooves. Me and another white boy here had a blast coming up with stuff...adn just goofing off. overall i loved the whole experience....

so thats the news from Riceland for the day...


Monday, November 14, 2005

-Pipe Support-

Recently I got to spend some time in a pipe village here in India...These are some of the reflections and thoughts that came from that the form of a song.

You don't know me,
And you probably never will
I have a hole inside
That needs to be fulfilled
Here I stand,
Half a world away
Hoping again,
To make it through this day

Mama says,
Were doing just fine
It doesn't seem
That way in my mind
Daddy says,
This is our life
And so I hate
This damn Caste of mine

These sewer pipes, are my home
This cement, is all all Iv'e known
Its' the circle of my life
Eat, Sleep, and Die 2x
This is my life 2x

My Father works,
In the factory
For about
a dollar fifty
My mother works,
Hard everyday
To keep this family,
From slipping away

When you read this
I hope you'll see
A little boy, in desperate need
All it takes
Is just one click
And you could be,
Saving me


Wednesday, November 09, 2005

-Break in the cup-

An excerpt from-Break in the cup-
David Wilcox-Big Horizon

I guess you cannot make me happy
That's a money back guarantee.
But you can pour yourself out 'til you're empty
Trying to be just who I'd want you to be.
You cannot make me happy
It's just the law of gravity
And that break in the cup that holds love,
inside of me

We cannot trade empty for empty
We must go to the waterfall
For there's a break in the cup that holds love,
A break in the cup that holds love.
Inside us all, inside us all

Here is the deal folks...

Today I jumped off a waterfall...I faced my fears. I faced a culture and a world of the unknown. Now some of you are getting quite sick with me and my romanticism. Some of you do not believe that one should be this open with his own emotions and thoughts. But I do not mind sharing my experiences and things learned from them...

Back to the waterfall. I jumped. And like I feared...I landed!! Yep, I landed...but folks, in the previous post I forgot to mention that there is a third thing that can happen when we cliff jump. A third thing that could quite possibly be more amazing and beautiful than the relationship and definitely better than being skewered by the hidden rocks. I found that there is a certain coolness and new found freedom in jumping. I found myself jumping into a new stage of a friendship today.

Crazy huh? No, that should not say relationship, it reads right with Friendship. And this friendship is something that has not happened before. By all of the girls (there were many) that rejected me...and the many times I picked my self up...dusted myself off and began praying, seeking, and looking again. I found a True Friend today. Some of you think this is nothing new. You know know how I think...feel and react to things that come my way. The friendship got better once I opened myself up for pain and rejection. I can honestly say that now that everything is out in the open and out of the way. (Thanks David Wilcox for a great song to help me see I understand it) I now know that everything is better. We have nothing to hide. The understanding is there...there is truth there...nothing to hide, nothing to fake, and nothing to regret. I am so freakin' excited right now!!!! REALLY this is not male ego speaking...I am FREE. I set myself up for failure from the beginning...and found myself refreshed and on a level I have never been on before, with a friend who is a girl.

Now let's talk about the song above. I have always been attracted to this song. This song is depressing, but also reveals so much about the human condition and his relationship with man and his Father in heaven. If you get a can get the whole song off of David Wilcox’s site. (I recommend you read it, but I did not believe it wholly applied to this situation. although it might, but then again no.)

WE as humans search this world so long for love and longing and desire and fulfillment and contentment. And for me, I am at the point in my life where I want a Wife...and hopefully soon. I am tired of living alone and well... (we really don’t need to go into this. it will waste space and you will see me way too vulnerable) I realize though, that I often forget the Love that I have in Christ and the Love that He has prepared for me that will one day blow me away...and actually feel the need to give everything She has to me and I hope to do for Her as well.

The song above proves that we as humans cannot fill the empty inside...Crystal may have been able to do that...but for how long? A woman can only be so much for a man...God has to be there too. And that is why, right now I thank God for Crystal and who she is...and what she means to me. She is an outstanding friend, so much so that I fell for her...but this was not to be...and it can and could not fill that void...The waterfall of Christ is the only thing that can fill the break in my cup (soul) He is the only thing that I can run to who is always constant and ready to flow and run through my life. So today I found that again...the intimacy I long for is still from Christ...

...But a Wife would be appreciated too Lord....

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Do I Dare to overcome the Fear?

"Do I dare believe and let love lead my life
Could I not believe and leave that love behind?

I don't have all the answers
I can't explain it all
I'm not sure where i'm going
But I thought I heard you call"

-David Wilcox-Do I dare-

I recently had a conversation with a sister of an old-good friend of mine. (see Inescapable you to find out who) And we were talking about people that we seemed to like (This word does not give the feeling justice, but it understandable by all human kind, therefore I have chosen to use it. I was telling her about a girl I have grown to enjoy being around and hang out with. And she was telling me about this friend of hers that she really has emotions and feelings and an attraction to. (Now I shall not use names...for the sake of keeping this private.) She is so hopelessly in love with this young man that she is in fear of telling him where she is at in her observation of him and her. And I like the good listener and advisor begin to vomit out the biggest cliches and bold moves that I could "hurl" at her. (all the while in my own life I am in fear of what I was telling this young women to do.)

First of all...ladies...we men like it when you give us really helps us...but it might confuse us to, but signs give us confidence. Now whether that confidence leads us to act out on our emotions and fall flat on our faces or into your arms...that is something different. I was sharing with this friend to give the guy a hint or sign. She could zip off so many in our conversation to me, but she didn't believe any of them to be appropriate for him to catch the hint. So I ended with telling her to email him and saying with "hints" where she stood and felt about him.

Honestly I am not even capable of doing this in my own life. I am in constant fear of rejection or losing a friend. As I have already been discarded once this year...I don't know if I am capable of getting up off the floor to take another stab at this most confusing and complicated Girl race. I have been rejected many times in life...many times I have blown it off...or learned much about myself and really liked the feeling of getting whatever it is off of my chest. Its honestly like the first time you go cliff jumping into the water. You are scared to death...your stomach trembles and quivers. Your heart beats faster than a humming birds wings can fly. Your mind spins circles faster than a Tornado...and all the while you are wondering if you will live through the experience or get smashed on the hidden rocks below. But, you are capable of jumping and some do, but most don't. The ones who do fail at times...but most of the time come out of it with an amazing and lfie changing experience. This is the same thing with me and women. I am cautious and very reserved when it comes to girls. I will wait and wait and wait...and in the time that I have waited I realize that I have missed my chance to really live.

I do not want to miss my chance this time...But there are so many what ifs and fears and the possiblity of rejection and a new one for ye all...Culture to deal with. For the past couple of months I have wrestled with this. Songs have been composed. Thoughts have been filed and put in place and then re-arranged and re-filed. MY heart has flitted and flown to new heights. The joy I have in Christ has been greater than I have ever known before. The company of this person takes my breath and my Brain away. All I see are blue eyes and then I begin thinking...and proposing things in my head...and dreaming...and stammering...and fearing...adn then silently walking away from her. Only to be able to get the guts to say something Cute in a Text message. Why am I like this? Why am I such a hopeless romantic? Why? Why? Why?

Why, can I not just say what I want to say? Perhaps its because she will leave soon...or I dont know how she feels or where she is at. Or perhaps my future is to unknown and isnt clear enough to be told. Or perhaps its the culture...because I know I would have asked her for a milkshake and a concert or high school play in the states. I know I would have made mix tapes. I would have written many songs. stayed up late thinking about her...but here...It hasnt happened. I have been fighting it. I have been supressing it. I have been ignoring it. I have been avoiding it. But my heart needs to know...I need to know...I need to just step up and take a swing at it. But what if I whiff and the crowd boos? (was it ever really for the crowd?) Will it work out? Can it work out? Could it work out? Distance is a great divider. And the unknown of the future is a major source of conquering in my life. Here I have told myself it cant happen. It wont happen. But I know even in the states...I would drive a thousand miles just to see her smile and hear her voice and drink one cup of coffee with her...then drive home.

So people...this is where I am at...I have one month left to see what happens. But I dont think I will have to wait. I dont think I can. I cannot stay silent any longer. I have to say something...but what? Perhaps I should quit writing this and go figure out what to say....

(By the way...the If I and Would You's hers. Written for her. But don't tell anyone...HeHe)

Monday, November 07, 2005

If and Would You (Crystal and Megans song)

If I sang for you a song
Would you understand my words
Or would you misinterpret
All the brilliant metaphors, screaming to be heard
Would you find and know, theres really something there
Would you finally know, theres really something here

No, I can't live without you
You make it easy for me to breathe
No, I can't be without you
In you I am found complete
When your standing here next to me
When your standing here next to me

If I gave to you a rose
Would you see it's petals unfold
Or would you now know
All of the beauty, that you Both hold
Would you smell it everyday, and think of me
Yeah, smell its fragrance, and remember me


If I told you a story
Would you listen for your name
Or would you finally believe
In these signs, or does ignorance remain
Would you notice, the connections I see
Would you admit, to the connection between you and me


If I told you I love you
Would you keep your distance
Or would you realize
All of thise fear, of your resistance
Would you take my hand, breaking this silence
Oh please take my hand, and break this awful silence

Can I ask you a question?
And know that this is hard
I'm overcoming my fear
And reaching for your heart

Will you love me, like I love you?
And live forever 3x
With me

No I can't live without you
I can't breathe without you
I can't be without you
I'm incomplete without you


Thursday, November 03, 2005

Those Signs again...

A while back I posted a thought about how we often as Christian leaders can and have become like signs on the side of the road pointing our students and members in the right direction. This is something I have been mulling over for a while...(this and things like Style and Quality-look for more on those later) Well...I have been thinking about turning that little post into more of a devotional or talk type deal. So I thought I would continue the thought process on the idea of the Sign on the side of the road with this scripture...which is close to what I am getting at...

Hebrews 5:11-14

"There is som much more we would like to say about this. But you don't seem to listen, so it's hard to make you understand. You have been Christians a long time now, and you ought to be teaching others. Instead, you need someone to teach you again the basic things a beginner must learn about the Scriptures. You are like babies who drink only milk and cannot eat solid food. And a person who is living on milk isn't very far along in the Christian life adn doesn't know what is right. Solid food is for those who are mature, who have trained themselves to recognize the difference between right and wrong and then do what is right."

Why all that????

Yesterday, I took part in a spiritual retreat with the ACCS staff. This was supposed to be a time to grow and learn more about our ministry. What it turned into, was an eye opening experience for me and a magnified look into who I am really working with.

I recently spent some quality time with some students while they were on their Practical Training trip. It was here that I was a facilitator and evaluator of the students. First of all, I do not believe that I am in any way shape or form an adequate leader or facilitator or evaluator for these boys. I used to feel inferior to them, because most of them are older than me. But throught time I began to realize that I was not inferior but a capable teacher and encourager. (even though I have no college education, I was capable to interact and evaluate on my past experiences) Towards the end of this time, we would take each student and three of us would lieterally crucify the student for what He had done wrong while he was leading. (this breaks my heart and was not a fun experience) The smallest thing was not left undone...or without rebuke. I was struggling to keep my mouth shut at times and trying to be an encourager through it all.

So back to the ACCS retreat. I sat and watched as grown men, leaders, teachers, and administrators poured their hearts out. I am not at liberty to say what was said in that group, but I can say this: "These leaders struggle with the same things these students are drowning in and being crucified for." And I began thinking about that post I had done earlier about the sign on the side of the road. (no, that was not humor...that was brutal truth) These leaders are capable and all have the education and in most cases experience...but their is something missing between them and their teaching...IT'S NOT MAKING IT TO THE STUDENTS. We are teaching, but its not being applied or we are bad communicators...or maybe...just maybe...we oursleves have not even figured out how to conquer or understand or put into practice what we are in fact teaching these students...

I know this is a harsh reality. I know this is a brutal blog. But it needs to be written. Take it for what its worth and know that I am learning myself how to deal with these issues in my own life.